Currently listening to “Paperthin Hymn by Anberlin”.

I really wanted to blog tonight but I’m getting really tired of everything around me. Both physically, and mentally. So, this will just be a short one.

They say that leave things in God’s hands and everything will fall into shape. Somehow, my so called ’shape’ is pretty undefined and it’s really mind-fucking. I noticed recently that my memory is deteriorating, my network is getting smaller and I miss Suey and Yee Leng like fuck. I just spent about 3 hours or so talking to them and it totally made up my screwed up day. We laughed so much and talked about things that well, bothered us. They’re always there even though they’re miles and miles away. Sigh. Earlier on, right before I came online, Yee Leng sent me a three page long sms which nearly sent me to tears. She warned me not to cut my hair short and that she was going to bed. It was then that she signed on to MSN and poof! The three of us couldn’t stop yakking. Yeah babe, I miss you like mad too. And of course my little lemur, I did not forget about you. Thank you, for keeping me sane.

I wouldn’t say that things have been hectic at uni but I’m putting myself under unnecessary pressure. I tried and I’m still trying so hard to cope with everything but really, I’m losing faith in myself. People always say “believe in yourself”. Now, where and when exactly do we imply this phrase? Cuz at this point, I think that “believe in yourself” is pretty fucked up. It’s not working out for me.

I realized I’m all on my own here, facing all this sh*t. I always tell myself that it is God’s plan that everything is happening as it is. I’m trying very hard to convince myself that He has a plan for me and that He will be guiding me through it. Sometimes, I’m really in doubt. Doubting myself and my capabilities of facing all this and doubting my faith in Him. I’m praying so hard that my faith would not slip away.

I choose (or at least I try) not to be too emotional with everything that’s happening and just take everything with a pinch of salt. But sometimes I just can’t help it. I don’t want to appear to be vulnerable. My mom often tells me that I’m much tougher than I seem to be. Something which I hope is true. Sigh, why are there so many winding roads to life? Why can’t it be one long straight road instead of a long and winding one? I know you must be thinking, “If it’s straight all the way, where got exciting?!” Fuck you, don’t talk rubbish. Unless you enjoyed and are enjoying whatever miserable state you are in now and you are looking forward to whatever misery that is coming your way.

I’m sorry for the profanities but I just couldn’t help it. Sorry Annie. Somehow I feel that I shouldn’t be swearing in front of you.

Okay, I’ve ranted enough. When reality kicks in, you gotta deal with it. And I’m gonna give it a good kick in the arse. I shall not dwell in this issue anymore. I will learn how to face it.

Good Night people.

Tired,

Mich.